The Onion Reviews: ‘Spider-Man: Homecoming’

In 2012, Tony Stark and the federal government create the U.S. Department of Damage Control (D.O.D.C.), driving salvage company owner Adrian Toomes out of business. Toomes convinces his colleagues to not surrender the Chitauri technology already scavenged from the Battle of New York, but to instead use it to further a criminal agenda.

Four years later, following the Avengers’ internal dispute,[N 1] Peter Parker resumes his studies after Stark tells him he is not ready to become an Avenger. Over the objections of his Aunt May, Peter quits his school’s decathlon team so he can focus on “the Stark internship”, which is a cover for his crimefighting activities as Spider-Man.

One night, after preventing Toomes’ associates from robbing an ATM, Peter returns to his Queens apartment only for his best friend Ned to discover his secret identity. On another night, Peter comes across Toomes’ associates Herman Schultz and Jackson Brice selling Chitauri weaponry to local gangster Aaron Davis. When he tries to intervene, Peter nearly loses his life at Toomes’ hands and is rescued by Stark. Toomes later kills Brice for jeopardizing the operation.

Retrieving a Chitauri weapon left behind by Brice, Peter works with Ned to remove the power core. A tracking device leads Schultz to Midtown School, but Peter and Ned manage to evade him. After planting his own tracking device on Schultz and learning that it leads to Virginia, Peter rejoins the decathlon team and accompanies them to Washington, D.C. for Nationals.

Working with Ned, Peter disables the tracker implanted in his Spider-Man suit and unlocks all its secret features. He later tries to stop Toomes from stealing weapons from a D.O.D.C. truck, but ends up being overpowered and trapped inside the truck, causing him to miss Nationals. When he discovers that the Chitauri power core is unstable, Peter tracks Ned to the Washington Monument, arriving just as the core explodes and traps Ned in an elevator. Evading local authorities, Peter manages to save Ned and fellow classmate Liz before the elevator plummets.

Returning to New York City, Peter persuades Davis to reveal Toomes’ whereabouts. Confronting Toomes and his associates at the Staten Island Ferry, Peter captures the group’s new buyer Mac Gargan while Toomes escapes after a malfunctioning weapon tears the ferry in half. Stark helps Peter save the passengers before admonishing him for his recklessness and taking the suit away. While picking up Liz for Midtown’s annual homecoming dance, Peter learns that she is Toomes’ daughter. Deducing Peter’s secret identity, Toomes threatens retaliation if he continues to interfere with his plans.

During the dance, Peter realizes Toomes is planning to hijack a D.O.D.C. plane transporting weaponry from Avengers Tower to the team’s new headquarters in upstate New York. Leaving the dance and donning his homemade Spider-Man suit, Peter is ambushed by Schultz, but is saved by Ned. Peter then confronts Toomes in his lair, who attempts to persuade him to his side. When Peter refuses, Toomes destroys the building’s support beams and leaves him to die.

Managing to escape, Peter intercepts Toomes onboard the now-damaged plane, steering it towards the beach near Coney Island. The two engage in a confrontation that ends with Peter saving Toomes’ life and leaving him for the police.

Sometime later, Peter learns that Liz is moving away and that classmate Michelle Jones – whose nickname is “MJ” – will be replacing her as president of the decathlon team. Peter later declines Stark’s invitation to join the Avengers and inspires Stark to bring an engagement ring to a press conference where Pepper Potts is present. Upon returning home, Peter discovers that Stark has returned his upgraded suit and puts it on just as May walks into his room.

In a mid-credits scene, an incarcerated Gargan approaches Toomes at the Raft and, after explaining that several criminals are banding together, asks him if he knows Spider-Man’s identity only to receive a negative reply. In a post-credits scene, Captain America films a public service announcement on the importance of patience.

Despicable Me 3

Following the previous film, Gru is now an agent for the Anti-Villain League (AVL) and he and his wife Lucy are sent to foil the plans of a supervillain named Balthazar Bratt. Bratt was a former child actor who portrayed a young supervillain in a popular television series before the show was cancelled as a result of his puberty, and his waning popularity led to him adopting his former persona to become an actual supervillain. Gru manages to stop Bratt from stealing a very expensive diamond, but is unable to capture him. As a result of constantly failing to capture Bratt, Gru and Lucy are fired from the AVL by it’s new director Valerie Da Vinci.

Gru and Lucy reluctantly tell their children, Margo, Edith and Agnes of their termination, but assure them that they will find new jobs someday. Most of Gru’s Minions leave Gru when he refuses to return to villainy despite losing his job. Lucy struggles to adapt in her new role as the children’s new mom. The next morning, the family is approached by the butler of Gru’s long-lost twin brother Dru, who lives in a country named Freedonia and longs to meet him. Stunned at this revelation, Gru confronts his mother who reveals that after divorcing Gru’s father, they agreed to keep one child each. The family decide to meet Dru and they are surprised at his immense wealth which the butler attributes to their pig farm business. Dru quickly charms Gru’s family despite turning off Gru due to his flamboyant personality. Meanwhile, the Minions are arrested after trespassing at a talent show set and Bratt manages to steal the diamond once again as he intends to use the diamond to power his giant robot to destroy Hollywood as revenge for cancelling his show.

While Lucy takes the children around the surrounding towns, Dru reveals to Gru that his immense wealth is due to his father also being a legendary supervillain. As Dru was constantly dismissed by their father as a disgrace, he turned to his brother to teach him how to be a villain. Gru is unwilling to revert back to his old ways. To persuade him, Dru brings him on a joyride around Freedonia in their father’s car where the siblings bond. Meanwhile, Lucy tries to balance being generous and implementing discipline as a mom which she exhibits after turning away a young boy who had fallen for Margo. The Minions exert control among the prisoners at their jail, but their longing for Gru motivate them to escape the prison.

Having discovered that Bratt has stolen the diamond, Dru convinces Gru to steal the diamond for one last heist with Gru secretly intending to bring it to the AVL to reinstate his work. Despite several setbacks, they manage to retrieve the diamond back, but they are rescued by Lucy who had followed them earlier. After finding out Gru’s true motives, Dru confronts his brother on why he lied to him with the latter insulting him in the process and deciding to leave Dru’s mansion. Bratt infiltrates Dru’s mansion by disguising as Lucy, kidnaps the children, and once again acquires the diamond which leads Gru, Lucy and Dru to resolve their differences and pursue him.

With his robot powered, Bratt terrorizes Hollywood. Having watched Bratt’s show as a child, Dru deduces that Bratt plans to re-enact the episode where Bratt cuts off Hollywood and uses inflatable gum to elevate the city to outer space. Lucy saves the children while Gru and Dru weaken Bratt’s robot with the weapons of their father’s car. Gru is knocked unconscious when the car is destroyed and Dru destroys the robot’s core from the inside when Bratt threatens to kill Gru. When Gru recovers, he battles Bratt in a “dance fight” which ends in Gru trapping Bratt in his own gum. The Minions, having rendezvoused with Gru, manage to destroy Bratt’s gum covering the city.

Gru and Lucy are reinstated in the AVL and the newly united family celebrate in Gru’s home. Lucy is acknowledged by the children as their mother. Dru, having embraced the family tradition of villainy, steal Gru’s car, accompanied by the Minions. Gru and Lucy decide to give them a five-minute head-start before engaging pursuit.

Tranformers 5 : The Last Knight

In 484 AD, King Arthur’s wizard Merlin forges an alliance with the Knights of Iacon, a group of twelve Transformers who have hidden on Earth. The knights give Merlin an alien staff, and combine into a dragon to help Arthur triumph over the Saxons.

In the present day, most of the governments on Earth have declared Transformers illegal, and the multinational Transformer Reaction Force (TRF) has been formed to eliminate the alien robots. Despite the absence of Optimus Prime (who left the planet to search for his creator), new Transformers continue to arrive regularly; the newest ship to arrive crash-lands in Chicago, where it is found by a group of children. When a TRF mecha confronts the kids, they are saved by Izabella, a survivor of the Battle of Chicago, and her Transformer companions Sqweeks and Canopy, but Canopy is killed by the TRF in the process. Bumblebee and Cade Yeager arrive and help them escape, but Yeager is unable to save the Transformer, Steelbane, in the ship. Before he dies, Steelbane attaches a metallic talisman to Yeager’s body—an act observed by Decepticon Barricade, who reports to his leader Megatron.

On the far reaches of the Solar System, Optimus Prime discovers that the Transformers’ home world, Cybertron, now disassembled into pieces, is heading directly for Earth. Optimus finds the being in control of Cybertron’s movement, a sorceress named Quintessa, who professes to be the maker he is searching for. The staff which the knights gave to Merlin was stolen from Quintessa, and using her powers, she places Optimus under her control, dubs him “Nemesis Prime,” and charges him with recovering it. Earth, she reveals, is actually Cybertron’s “ancient enemy” Unicron, and she intends to drain his life force so that Cybertron can be restored.

TRF member and former Autobot ally William Lennox brokers a deal between the TRF and Megatron, releasing from their custody a squad of Decepticons who will help Megatron recover the talisman from Yeager. The Decepticons hunt Yeager to his junkyard hideout in South Dakota, where he and many of the surviving Transformers are holed up. During the chaos of the ensuing battle, Yeager is approached by Cogman, the Transformer envoy of British Lord Sir Edmund Burton, who takes him and Bumblebee to England to meet his master. There, Yeager also meets Viviane Wembly, an Oxford professor, who Burton has had the Autobot Hot Rod kidnap. Burton explains that he is the last living member of the “Witwiccan” order, an ancient brotherhood dedicated to guarding the secret history of Transformers on Earth. He also reveals that Viviane is the last descendant of Merlin, and must find and use his staff to prevent the impending destruction of Earth by Cybertron.

Fleeing the TRF, Yeager and Wembly follow clues left by the latter’s father that lead them, Bumblebee, and Cogman to take the submarine HMS Alliance into the sea to find the Cybertronian Knights’ sunken ship, in which they discover the tomb of Merlin and the staff. Wembly activates the staff, and the ship rises to the surface; the TRF arrives to confront the group, but several knights awaken and attack them. The attack is cut short by the arrival of the mind-controlled Optimus, but fortunately, when the normally-mute Bumblebee is finally able to speak, the sound of his voice is enough to break Prime free of Quintessa’s control. A moment later, Megatron arrives to steal the staff; he too has been working for Quintessa all along. As Megatron flees with his prize, the knights attack Optimus for his betrayal, but Yeager, whose talisman becomes the sword Excalibur, stops the fight. Realizing he is the last knight, the knights yield to Yeager, who urges Optimus to protect the Earth once more.

Megatron delivers the staff to Quintessa, who begins draining the life force of Earth/Unicron via Stonehenge. When the military intervenes, Megatron shoots Burton, who dies with Cogman at his side. Using a ship procured by the Autobot Daytrader, the Autobots arrive to join the fight, landing on Cybertron and battling against the Decepticons and Quintessa’s Infernocons. Optimus and his Autobots, backed up by the knights in their dragon form, vanquish their many foes. Optimus defeats Megatron while Bumblebee appears to slay Quintessa. Wembly removes the staff, stopping Cybertron’s destruction of Earth, but leaving the two planets connected. Optimus declares that humans and Transformers must work together to rebuild their worlds, and sends a message calling any surviving Autobots to come home.

In a mid-credits scene, scientists inspect one of the horns of Unicron, which is extending out of the desert. Quintessa, who has survived and is disguised as a human, arrives and offers them a way to destroy Unicron.

Baywatch (2017)

In Emerald Bay, Florida, Lt. Mitch Buchannon and his team of lifeguards, including second-in-commmand Stephanie Holden and veteran C. J. Parker, protect the beaches and the bay as part of an elite division known as Baywatch. Having made over 500 rescues in his career, Mitch is beloved by the community, to the annoyance of local beat cop Garner Ellerbee and Mitch’s superior, Captain Thorpe. During one of his morning patrols, Mitch discovers a small pouch of drugs washed up near the Huntley Club, which is now under the ownership of businesswoman Victoria Leeds.

At the upcoming tryouts for new lifeguards, three people stand out: surfer Summer Quinn, an old friend of Holden’s, Ronnie, a chubby nerd with a crush on C. J. (that is gradually returned), and Matt Brody, a former Olympic swimmer who fell from grace after vomiting during a race and now has to perform community service as part of an unspecified plea deal. Quinn and Ronnie both pass the trials, but Brody refuses to do so and insists that his celebrity status alone entitles him to a place on the team. Despite Brody demonstrating his abilities by assisting in the rescue of a drowning woman and her son, Mitch complains to Thorpe that he is unfit. Thorpe, in turn, insists that rehabilitating his image is necessary to convince the city not to further cut Baywatch’s funding.

As Brody begins his training under Mitch, it becomes clear that he is developing a crush on Quinn. The team is called into action when a private yacht catches fire, during which Brody disobeys orders and dives directly under the flames, causing him to nearly drown before Holden and C. J. save him. Most of the boat’s occupants are saved, with the exception of a deceased man identified as a city official. When Mitch tries to investigate his body, Ellerbee shows up and informs him that he is not a cop and has no business trying to solve a crime. Brody makes it clear that he agrees, which causes a rift between him and the other lifeguards who support Mitch.

At a party held by Leeds, Brody botches his role as lookout by getting drunk; Mitch retaliates by humiliating him in front of the crowd. Brody, who is effectively broke and homeless because of his poor life choices, goes to him the next morning and begs for a second chance. Mitch agrees and takes him and Quinn to infiltrate the city morgue, where they record two of Leeds’ men planting a falsified autopsy report to cover up the fact that the councilman was murdered on her orders. Unfortunately, they are discovered, and though Mitch manages to subdue and capture one of them, the recording is destroyed and Ellerbee is forced to release their suspect on a lack of evidence. Angered, Thorpe threatens to fire Mitch if he oversteps his authority again.

Convinced that Leeds is running drugs out of the Huntley, Mitch and Brody go undercover and sneak into the club kitchen, where they witness her workers retrieving the drugs from barrels of fish and processing them. They contact Ellerbee, only to learn that another body has been found on the beach. Thorpe, enraged that Mitch essentially deserted his post, fires him and names Brody as the new lieutenant. Brody accepts the job reluctantly, and Mitch takes a job as a cellphone salesman.

After finding another pouch of drugs on the beach, Brody steals the second victim’s report from Ellerbee and brings it to Quinn, who confirms his suspicion that the man was murdered. Ronnie, upon recognizing the victim as his friend Dave, helps Brody hack into Leeds’ servers, revealing her plan to privatize the entire beach by systematically buying out or eliminating every competing business owner.

The team infiltrates a private party on Leeds’ personal yacht, discovering how she’s been using the hull to smuggle the drugs. Brody is captured and placed in a bait cage to be drowned, and a gloating Leeds reveals that she bribed the corrupt Thorpe to set Mitch up so he could justify firing him before pushing the cage into the water. Just before Brody drowns, Mitch appears and saves him.

The two catch up to Leeds, while Ronnie and C. J. use fireworks to prevent her escape helicopter from landing. Just as they run out, a wounded Mitch, having intentionally stung himself with a sea urchin to boost his adrenaline, uses a Roman candle to blow Leeds up, saving Brody once again. Ellerbee arrives and takes Thorpe into custody, apologizing to Mitch for doubting him.

In the aftermath, Ronnie and Brody begin relationships with C. J. and Quinn respectively. Mitch, having been reinstated, formally inducts Quinn, Ronnie, and Brody into Baywatch and introduces them to their new captain.

My 2-Month Old Pomeranian

Yesterday, my partner bought me a 2-month old Pomeranian female puppy named Leia. The puppy was dewormed and vacinated. Amongst all the poodles and other dogs, it was the most subdued and quiet. So, I chose her and bought the cage, water dispenser, cushion, vitamins, dog food, leash, etc for a total of $2,100. Should we go to KL for business, then I will put her in a pet hotel – all fuss free for the grandparents. 🙂 So far it refused to stay inside its cage and keeps barking incessantly until we let it out. It is still young, and perhaps we might send it for dog training at Straits Quay, when it is much older so that it does not anyhow pee and poo all over the floor instead of inside its cage.

Despite the inconveniences, it has brought me joy and those who keep pets are known to live longer, according to Astro pet channel. It is like a furry ball bouncing about and skipping all over the condo. The only place it is not allowed to go is the master bedroom, which has my carpet, and many things on the floor, especially reading materials.

The leash has a bell, so I know where it walks around in the unit like a curious puppy. It asks for lots of attention, but sometimes we have to ignore it to work and for me, to moonlight part time. Afterall, it needs moolah to eat and to groom it.

Today’s Bread is Not for Tomorrow

Doctors have discovered that worry, stress, fear and anxiety can cause stomach ulcers, high blood pressure and other health problems. The Bible says that a merry heart does good like medicine, but a broken spirit dries the bones. (Proverbs 17:22) It also says that God wants us to prosper and be in health, even as our soul prospers. (3 John 1:2)

When our church was much smaller, I used to worry a lot about my sermons weeks before I even preached them! I was so stressed that I developed symptoms in my body. Two doctors checked me on separate days and found my blood pressure to be very high. Other tests found traces of blood in my urine. I even had mild panic attacks. I believe that the devil was trying to undermine my ministry and destroy me.

But praise God, He delivered and healed me, and taught me not to worry. Today, the church is a lot bigger and I have learnt by the grace of God not to worry. The verse that set me free was this: “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow…” (Matthew 6:34) You see, if you worry about tomorrow, you are trying to live tomorrow today!

My friend, God does not want you to do that. Jesus taught us to pray, “Give us this day our daily bread.” He did not say, “Give us this day our weekly bread.” God gives us daily bread, not weekly bread. God doesn’t give tomorrow’s bread today. And today’s bread is not meant for tomorrow!

This means that God wants you to live today and not worry about what will happen or what you have to do tomorrow. He gives you sufficient grace for today, not tomorrow.

“But Pastor Prince, I have a very important presentation to give tomorrow!”

Beloved, when tomorrow comes, the bread—provision and grace—will be there. I am not advocating laziness and inactivity. By all means, do your homework, but don’t worry about it. Just trust the One who wants you to give Him all your cares (1 Peter 5:7), and enjoy His peace and life today!

– Joseph Prince

Article Writer

I am also an article writer for 2 sites in Singapore that pays via my Paypal. The curated articles require lots of time with a minimum of 1,000 words plus free pictures from Instagram. Yesterday morning, took an Air Asia flight in KLIA2 to JB and went to 3 places before returning on the same day by Firefly to Subang Airport. I booked a Grab car and a driver was found rather quickly when I touched down. He was already waiting for us outside McDonald’s where I noticed a few police officers around in case the normal cab drivers want to bash up the Grab driver for taking a slice of the pie.

Now technology rules and without using smartphones to find customers on the go and get directions to their destinations, it would be getting more difficult for conventional taxi driver to find a living. Eventually their jobs will be replaced by Uber and Grab drivers who are very efficient and don’t charge too exorbitantly.

This morning, I receive a feeback from my editor requiring further editions to my article on Top 10 Best Places to Eat in Penang. It is a curated article, meaning research needs to be done online.

Also noticed that there are so many Mainland China labourers in JB taking flights home to KL while working in construction sites as they spoke extra loudly and were crude. China had already stopped capital outflow from its country and I don’t know how this will affect the development in southern Johor.

Wonder Woman (2017 Film)

In present-day Paris, Diana Prince, curator for the Louvre’s Department of Antiquities, receives a World War I-era photographic plate couriered by Wayne Enterprises and recalls her past.

Diana was born and raised on the hidden island of Themyscira, home to the Amazon race of warrior women created by the gods of Mount Olympus to protect humankind against the corruption of Ares, the god of war. In the distant past, Ares slew all his fellow gods, but his mortally wounded father, Zeus, struck him down. Before succumbing to his injuries, Zeus left the Amazons a weapon capable of killing his renegade son: the “Godkiller”, which Diana believes to be a ceremonial sword. Hippolyta, Diana’s mother and queen of the Amazons, believes that Ares will never return and thus forbids Diana from training as a warrior, but Diana and her aunt, General Antiope, defy the queen and begin training in secret. When the two are discovered by Hippolyta, Antiope convinces her sister to allow Diana’s training to continue.

As a young woman, Diana rescues Captain Steve Trevor, a pilot with the American Expeditionary Forces,[8] after his plane crashes off the coast of Themyscira. The island is soon invaded by the landing party of a German cruiser pursuing Steve. The Amazons engage and kill all the German sailors, but Antiope dies intercepting a German bullet meant for Diana. Interrogated with the Lasso of Truth, Steve reveals that World War I is raging in the outside world, and that he is an Allied spy. He stole a notebook from the Spanish chief chemist Isabel Maru known as “Doctor Poison”, who is attempting to engineer a deadlier form of mustard gas under the orders of General Erich Ludendorff. Believing Ares is responsible for the war, Diana arms herself with the ceremonial sword and leaves Themyscira with Steve to find and destroy Ares.

When the two arrive in London, they deliver Maru’s notebook to Steve’s superiors, including Sir Patrick Morgan, who is trying to negotiate an armistice with Germany. Diana translates Maru’s notes and reveals that the Germans plan to release the deadly gas at the warfront. Although forbidden by his commanders to act, Steve, with secret funding from Sir Patrick, recruits spy Sameer, marksman Charlie, and smuggler Chief to help him and Diana infiltrate enemy lines and prevent the gas from being released. When the team reach the Western Front in Belgium, they are halted by enemy machine guns, but Diana pushes alone through the German lines and rallies the Allied forces behind her to liberate the village of Veld. The team briefly celebrates and takes the group photograph from the beginning of the film. Later that night, Diana and Steve shared a kiss and it is implied that they spent the night together.

The team learns that a gala will be held at the nearby German High Command. Steve infiltrates the party, intending to locate the mustard gas and destroy it. Diana, however, believes Ludendorff is Ares and that killing him will end the war. Steve stops her to avoid blowing their cover and jeopardizing the mission. Ludendorff unleashes the mustard gas on Veld, killing all of its inhabitants. Diana blames Steve for intervening, and pursues the general to a military base where the gas is being loaded into a bomber bound for London. Diana fights and kills Ludendorff, who is physically enhanced by another of Dr. Maru’s gases, but is crestfallen when his death does not stop the war.

Sir Patrick appears and reveals that he is actually Ares. He tells Diana that although he has subtly given humans ideas and inspirations, it is ultimately humankind’s decision to cause war and violence. After destroying the ceremonial sword, Ares reveals that Diana is the true “Godkiller”: she is the daughter of Zeus and Hippolyta, and thus Ares’ half-sister. Ares attempts to convince Diana that humanity is inherently corrupt, and that she should help him destroy humankind to restore paradise on Earth. While the two battle and the rest of Steve’s team destroy Dr. Maru’s laboratory, Steve sacrifices himself by piloting the bomber carrying the gas to a safe altitude resulting to a fiery explosion into the sky to prevent the gas from reaching its destination. Ares attempts to harness Diana’s rage at Steve’s death by convincing her to kill a helpless Dr. Maru, but Diana’s memories of Steve inspired her that humans have good within them and she spares Maru out of mercy before overpowering and destroying Ares. Back in London, the nation celebrates the end of the war.

In the present day, Diana sends an e-mail to Bruce Wayne thanking him for the photographic plate of her and Steve and reaffirms her mission to protect all life as Wonder Woman.